They Built Me A Ramp 'Cause I Couldn't Hardly Run Fast

Well, I’ve done it. I went and joined a gym. We’d planned on doing this, but just never seemed to get around to it. But a couple of weeks ago I got a call from a local gym letting me know that I’d “won” a two-week membership to their club.

Yes, “win.” As in: Congratulations! You’ve “won” a $25 gift certificate if you sit through a “short” presentation about Rainbow vacuums, or “win” a free night in a resort hotel if you listen to a presentation about time-shares, etc. I knew that this gym membership would be the same. But M. and I decided that we’d go ahead and take them up on their membership offer.

On the day they started their pitch I interrupted the salesman and let him know that he didn’t have to go through his whole sales pitch. We wanted to join, and didn’t need to be sold.

Joe was a friendly, enthusiastic sort, and was happy not to run through his pitch. He made me a “thank you” vitamin supplement shake that (sort of) tasted like chocolate and peanut butter and ushered me over to his desk. I happily sucked away on my shake while he filled out paperwork.

Joe: “So, Mrs. __________ , you’re, what, 25 years old?”
(awkward pause)
Me: “What?”
Joe: “Oh! I’m sorry! I’m terrible at guessing ages. Did I overestimate?”
Hillary: (Not quite sure what to think at this point, because there’s no way on earth that I could pass for a 25 year old.)“Um. No.. I’m 35. “
Joe: “Wow! Really? “
(more awkwardness)

After the paperwork, we went out onto the floor to schedule an appointment with the trainer. Joe explained, as he consulted the appointment book, that he’d discuss with the trainer my goals for the workout.

Joe: “ So, let me ask, are you trying to gain weight or lose weight?”
My inner voice is screaming, "Look at me! Is it not obvious?!?!" But all I said was, “Joe, you’ve made the sale already. You have my check on your desk. You can stop now.”

To his credit, Joe laughed and apologized. He insisted he’s not a “booty-kisser”, but I’ve since seen him with other people and I know better.

And I’ll tell you, the person who came up with the idea of putting a tv on the treadmill is a genius! Each treadmill in this gym has its own tv and DVD player. No more listening to music and staring at the timer willing it to move faster. No more attempting to read a book that’s bouncing around on the treadmill bookstand with every step. No more trying to read the closed-captioning for “Regis and Kelly” from across the room. Here, I get my own. Personal. Television!

And if a tv wasn’t good enough, each tvs has cable! We don’t even have cable at our house! I’ve started going to the gym at the time Glenn Beck is on CNN Headline News just so I can watch his show. The only problem with that is that I frequently occasionally laugh out loud, and then realize (when I noticed others looking at me) that no one can hear Glenn but me.

I’ve started the “Couch-Potato-To-5K” running program. It’s a great program that totally fits with my, “What! There’s a tv on the treadmill?! Sign me up!” personality.

Do you think they’ll let me bring snacks?